We were six and a half weeks pregnant when the bleeding started. Thanksgiving was only a week and a half a way. We were waiting till then to tell our families in person that we were expecting number three. It had already been a rough week of sickness, sleepless nights, and stress. The sense that our family was being attacked spiritually was very real. And in the midst of this battle, this storm that we were in, came the realization that the smallest and most vulnerable of our family was in trouble. We cried out to God for help and protection, praying and hoping that the bleeding would not be enough to end the pregnancy. We shared what was happening with some close friends from our church who prayed for us and offered their love and support. We felt strengthened and loved, but we were still broken inside.
The bleeding became heavier and the hope that we would be able to know and love this child here on earth faded away. We mourned and we cried. We knew that our child was in God’s hands. We knew that God was in control, but it still hurt. It was hard. We never before experienced such pain of loss before as a couple. I struggled inside, because I couldn’t lift Stacy up. I couldn’t make it all better for her. In my attempt to “cope” I tried with all my strength to function normally. But, that just made things worse. Our communication deteriorated and as a couple we began to feel very disconnected.
Less than one week after Stacy miscarried, she had a migraine. We were spending the evening with friends, working on getting a new church building ready for the first Sunday service. Some people offered to pray for Stacy’s migraine, she accepted. While she was receiving prayer, our pastor, Wade, pulled me aside and asked me “how I was doing?” I told him, “not good.” And began to explain to him how I was struggling to cope and the toll it was taking on our marriage. He counseled me and told me that it was okay for Stacy and me to just be broken together. I needed to hear that. I needed that permission. I felt like it was up to me to hold our family together through this. I had to face the reality that I was in no position to do that. I was broken too. Thankfully, there was someone greater than me already at work binding up our wounded hearts.
The rest of the story Stacy needs to tell in her own words . . .
While they prayed for my head, my mind was elsewhere. I was seeking something, anything about the miscarriage. Suddenly, I had a vision from God.
I was sitting on a bench, slumped over, feeling down. Jesus appeared in front of me, slightly larger than life size, dressed in simple white cloth. He got down on one knee in front of me, with a soft gentle look on His face. He received from me a full term healthy baby, also wrapped in white, and began to stand, as though to take this baby with Him.
At this point, I began sobbing. I was immediately confused. Where did this baby come from? I did not hand Jesus my baby; in fact, I never had the opportunity to hold my baby in my arms. Then it made sense. The baby I had to offer was one that I held only in my womb, not my arms. But the baby Jesus accepted was restored, made full and complete and healthy. God gave me this image so that I could begin to understand that our baby does live in Heaven. It is easier for me to imagine a healthy full term baby surviving on his own in Heaven than the tiny baby that we lost.
I have revisited this image a thousand times since I saw it, and have shared it with Levi. He has begun to make a sketch, so that he too can see it, and we can keep this image in physical form. I have gained so much comfort, knowing that our baby was delivered to Heaven in the arms of Jesus, and has been restored to health. This baby will never know the pains and trials of this world, and is waiting for us in Heaven.
God is real, and wanting to be close to us. He is our comfort. This vision has changed my relationship with Him. And through this comfort from our Father, my relationship with Levi has come back to life. We are no longer focusing on our loss. Instead, our focus is on our Wonderful God, our gift waiting for us in Heaven, and how we can share this experience with others to offer encouragement. We praise God for this hope He has given us, and pray that He will bless us with more children in the future.
